Thoughts

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.